failure to impress
by Astromelia
Summary: Gokudera," Yamamoto said slowly, "pregnant doesn't just... happen." 8059


"I swear to God, I'm going to kill that baseball freak!"

Such were the first words that lovely Sunday morning. Reborn aimed a skeptical glance at Yamamoto, who merely smiled, quite gaily. "Before you ask, I haven't the faintest idea what he's talking about."

"What I'm talking about is this!" called out a certain silver-haired gnome, cherry-faced and waving about a slip of paper. Alright, so maybe he wasn't a gnome, but Reborn could care less. "_This,_ you idiot, is why I-"

"Yes?" His serene gaze turned- not so subtly- toward the other members of the table, all of which had paused in their shoveling of breakfast.

"Why I, ah.." Gokudera faltered, the flush shifting towards an expression of _oh shit I just fucked up or something._ And damn it, if that freak would just stop _grinning_, the lech!

"G... Gokudera-kun?" Meek little Tsuna raised his hand in hesitation.

"Y-yes, juudaime?!" Always eager to please.

The brunet braced himself. "Uhm, what exactly is that, anyways?"

He froze.

"Would you mind if I took a look?"

Oh gods above. Gokudera pondered his choices. He really, _really_ didn't want anyone (especially not the Tenth) to see it.. but then again, refusing would be dishonouring his lovely juudaime.. "A-alright. But everyone else, keep yer eyes on yer food!" They promptly obeyed, and he handed over then parchment, blatantly refusing to look Tsuna in the eye.

"..Oh, Gokudera-kun, this isn't that bad-" His eyes suddenly widened, unable to blink for some unholy reason. He tried his hardest to hold back a snort without bursting a blood vessel. "Y-you-you're-"

All he wanted to do was sink into the floor and die, preferably right now if someone up there was listening. _oh good lord please just don't say anything_

"He-" hic "-he's _pregnant!_" blurted Tsuna, unable to contain himself and letting off a laugh grenade.

Silence.

Broken by Lambo wailing some nonsense about canines and Suparuta.

Reborn fell to the floor in a frenzy of wild mirth, accompanied by Yamamoto who merely had the chair fall on top of him.

"B-but he's a guy, he can't get pregnant!"

"Shut up!" Goodness, couldn't at least _one _of them take pity on him? "D-don't ask me how, it just.. happened!"

"Gokudera, pregnant doesn't just _happen_," Yamamoto said slowly, laughing; oh he was going to Hell for this."Why don't we all sit down while you tell us how a _man_-" Hayato shivered slightly, "-manages to land himself in such a predicament?"

"There's nowhere to-"

That freak patted his leg, acting all calm and cool.

"...Y-you perverted idiot, there's no way I'm sitting th-there!" Gokudera squawked, turning a mild shade of ultrared.

Takeshi murmured, "Oh come on, it's not as if you haven't done it before." Oh for goodness sake, it was _one time!_ Not to mention he'd been under the pressure of extreme stress and a raging hard-on, both of which were Yamamoto's fault! He made a noise akin to a choking cat. Too bad, though, because Reborn shoved him against his will- ha ha, can't something go right?- much to their amusement.

"..Fine, damn it! I give! F-fine."

* * *

_"Ugh, what did you _do_ to me?" Gokudera moaned, burying his head in the covers. It was kind of cute, actually, like a feline or something._

_"I can name a few things, if you'd like."_

_"J-just shut up and put your pants on, already!"_

_Yamamoto chuckled. His little kitten had been _very_ playful last night; it was no wonder he preferred to slouch in bed. "I'm going to clean up the bathroom, alright?"_

_He groaned, "You don't need to tell me, I think I can handle being separated." ...Great, it sound much more un-weird in his head._

_"And the closet, and the kitchen..."_

_Ugh, now the jerk was just rubbing it in. "Well, fuck, I wasn't the one who was in a hurr-" He made an abrupt heave, staggering to stand. With remarkable haste, he stumbled to the half-occupied bathroom, emptying his stomach into the toilet._

_"G-gokudera..?" Takeshi frowned, pulling away Gokudera's silver hair for him._

_Cough, sputter. "Wh-what?! It's not like I never-" Heave, wheeze, shake. "-n-never threw up before-" Hack, retch, slump._

_"You don't look too well."_

_"Thanks f-for that, I really-"_

_"...I'm calling a doctor."_

* * *

"Hmm," Doctor Stiles muttered, attempting to drown out the sound of a whirring machine. "It looks to me that... you're with child, Mr. Gokudera!" 

"'With child'? What the hell is that supposed to-" Hayato paused in sudden understanding. "...No. Hell no. Fuck no. Y-you're shitting me! I'm a_ man_, by God! I-I can't!"

"Seems you can, actually."

"But where would it even be?!"

"In some cases, albeit rarely, men have the ability to grow artificial wombs."

It was the biggest load of bullshit he'd ever heard in his life, but in his ill stupor, Gokudera believed it. "And where would it..?"

Dr. Stiles pointed.. down _there._

The silver-haired man grew quite the shade of green.

* * *

Somehow, in the next few days of being sicker than a dog, Hayato had managed to forget that he was 'pregnant', and was thus in for a rather horrifying shock when the doctor's report re-reached him in the mail that morning. 

"...And that's what happened," he finished lamely. He'd purposefully chosen not to divulge the whole 'sex with Yamamoto' bit for his own sake, and thankfully the freak had kept his mouth shut. The fact that the taller man's legs were wrapped tighter around his waist that one of Lambo's suits didn't help either.

Speaking of which, the Bovino in question stared, breathless.

Tsuna giggled quietly.

Takeshi, however, smiled his widest smile ever. "So that means...?"

Gokudera spat, "_Yes_, alright?!"

He abruptly spun the bomber around in the cramped seat and crushed him with the force of several tanks, gushing and utterly blissful. His little kitten being with child got him into a cloud nine state of mind- and incredibly turned him on, as well.

The worst part was, Hayato could _feel it._ In front of **_everyone_**.

Tsuna went silent, even with all the fuss Lambo was making over "such a sweet ending!", and briefly pondered where Reborn had gotten to.

"...Man, why does everyone but me have a loverrr?!" he finally wailed, burying his head in his hands, "Even _Lambo_ has that Bovino chick!"

"I do?!"

"Yeah, in the future or something."

"...Oh."

No one noticed the duo frantically groping under the table.

Then a crash resounded through the building, drawing eyes to a certain toddler who had just barged in with a harried-looking Dr. Stiles. "I bring good tidings!" Reborn chirped, ignorant to the fragments of glass littering the floor, much to Tsuna's disdain.

Dr. Stiles coughed, "I-it turns out.. M-mr. Gokudera is _not _pregnant!"

"What?!"

"He's not?"

"...You fucking quack!" Hayato had to be quickly restrained to prevent the doctor's untimely death.

He wrung his hands. "Turns out it was just the flu. The lack of fluids affected your hormones to an extreme, and, ah, all the signs pointed-"

"_I'll fucking KILL you!_"

"No, you won't," Reborn said blankly, stepping on and thereby crushing Gokudera's hand. "This man, if a tad belligerent, is still of great benefit to _la famiglia_, so hands off or I'll kill you." Such threats spoken so casually, as if talking about the weather. Dr. Stiles stood up, brushed himself off, and made a shaky gait towards the open door.

Tsuna spoke up again. "This is all lovely and dandy, but when will _I_ get laid?!" he whined. If even Lambo had that chick (sure she had the possibly interfering horns, but then again he had a jew 'fro), then he was, officially, the worst dame-Tsuna in existence!

Well... the only one, for that matter, but still the worst!

"Not to fear, Tsuna," Reborn assured him, "you and my future self have something going on, I think."

"R-_really?!_" This was too good to be true! "When?!"

"Oh, in about a few hours, when the stupid cow finally manages to hit me."

"Neat!"

So that day turned out to be quite auspicious. Tsuna got laid for once, and all was well.


End file.
